Uncertain about breaking up
with a Christian boyfriend

QUESTION:

Dr. Newman

I just got into a new relationship a little over a month ago. At first I was incredibly excited about this relationship, but over the past two weeks I have found that I am not physically attracted to my boyfriend, and I feel awful about it. I also have lost that excitement to spend time with him. Is it wrong to end a relationship with someone who is a Christian because you are not attracted to them?

Amie

ANSWER:

Amie:

There are two issues as I see it. You talk about the physically attraction, then you mentions just attraction. Maybe you mean the two are the same.

Physical attraction usually means the reproductive chemicals in our body are working overtime. When that happens, there are certain chemicals that operate to bring that feeling of infatuation and sexual attraction. The biological part of our body is working overtime, and overrides the executive parts of our brain. Our reasoning and decision making takes back seat. This is the honeymoon time of the relationship.

After some time, that chemical combination fades, and another chemical, oxytocin, becomes dominant. Oxytocin is the cuddle drug and large portions are released that cause bonding between a mother and her new born baby. This chemical combination is largely responsible for people bonding and to remain monogamous in marriage.

Unfortunately, many young women mistake the first rush of feelings as love. However, it is just passion. Then when that feeling subsides, they think they have fallen out of love. Promiscuity then sets in as they seek a new relationship to get back that passionate feeling.

You mentioned just “attraction.” That could just refer to friendship, or becoming soul mates with the other person.

True love involves three factors: physical attraction (passion), friendship, and commitment. The Bible refers to two of these as agape (commitment), and phileo, which refers to brotherly love, friendship, deep sharing, becoming soul mates, and that feeling that you just want to hang out with the other person.

The last is eros, which refers to sexual passion. This word in not mentioned in the New Testament, but it is part of the Greek language. Certainly the concept is in the New Testament.

When those three kinds of love come together, and stay there for a while, then true love has settled in. It is what holds marriages together.

As to the ethical part of your question, no, it is not wrong to break off a relationship because the attraction has faded whether of the physical kind or the friendship kind. Admittedly, it is a great loss for your (ex?) boyfriend, as you are a very bright young woman who loves the Lord.

Amie, I see that you are young woman going to a community college, and are just starting your life.

When you are looking for a lifetime mate, it is also important that he has the same three kinds of love toward you, and is a godly man of sound character. Be patient, pray often, explore the field, and God will bring the right person to you.

May God richly bless you, Amie, and there is no easy way for you to break off the relationship.

Dr. Newman