Marrying an aggressive partner - should she?

Please pray. I live with someone with an aggressive personality disorder and lately he's been out of control. We're due to get married in May next year.

M

ANSWER:

Dear M:

I will pray for you. But, based on the brief information you give me, and my experience dealing with domestic violence issues, I should also extend some caution to you.

Technically, in the world of psychology, and the DSM-IV, there is not an “aggressive personality disorder.” That may be good news, because personality disorders are extremely hard to treat – if they can be successfully treated at all.

However, the behavior you describe, and the fear you express by just writing to me asking for prayer, indicates a calamity in the making.

You say that your partner is “aggressive,” and “out of control.” To me, that means violence, trouble, mental and physical injury – and in many cases, death. In a word, it is a classic domestic violence situation, and that is what I assume your situation to be. Some statistics say that about 4000 women a year are murdered in America in domestic violence situations. It is serious.

One of the big mistakes young people make is to think they can change the other person once they are married. Rarely does that happen. In the case of wife beaters, they tend to get even worse. And remember, no wife deserves to be beaten.

I do not know if you or your partner are Christians. If so, you can visit your pastor for counsel. Accepting Christ can give power for a person to change, but not without great and sincere determination on the part of the person inflicted with the problem. And, don’t be fooled by the batterer’s many promises that they will get better and stop the violence by themselves.

Maggie, you mention that you are living with your man, and not yet married. The Bible considers that to be a wrong relationship. The good news is that it is easier to get out of that destructive relationship now than after you are married. Even now, it will be dangerous if and when you try to leave.

My advice is this: you are sitting on a powder keg with the fuse lit. Flee quickly and carefully. For greater detailed information, I suggest that you purchase our book on domestic violence. You can get it through Amazon.com, or through our website. Just go to the paperback book section. On Amazon.com, just type in my name and all my books will show up.

All the best, and God bless,

Dr. Newman

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